We often think of penetration as a fast, repetitive, one-directional act, with just one person moving in and out. Reframing it as a two-way action is one of the most impactful changes you can make.
From friction sex to suction sex
Most of our ideas around penetration are based on what we see in porn. The in-and-out, friction-based motion is what is often referred to as friction sex. It is not always bad, but when used too fast or too hard it can create pain, which eventually turns into numbness and boredom.
With suction sex, we learn to use the vagina, or anus, like a mouth, actively interacting with the penis, dildo, or finger by using the pelvic floor muscles. The Suction Sex Technique is the practice that we constantly hear has the most impact, and it transforms penetration the first time it is used. Think of your vagina or anus more like a mouth, opening and sucking slowly, like sipping from a straw, and pushing to relax and expand pleasure. The slower you go, the stronger the suction can be, and the more pleasure there is, whatever the size of the penis, dildo, or finger.
Engorgement comes first
A body that has not yet reached engorgement is not ready for penetration. Take time first. Use lube, a natural oil such as unscented coconut oil works well, applied to the body, thighs, and bum. Massage the whole body and wait until you feel very aroused before moving to penetration.
Never assume that someone wants penetration. Make them ask for it. Wait until they ask you to penetrate them. Then slow down, and let the one who is being penetrated be in control of the angle, depth, and speed. Breathe deeply and focus on sensations.
Just the tip, and the sipping practice
When penetration happens too soon and too fast, sex can be painful to start with. This is why the Just The Tip technique is worth a try. Hold the head of the penis or a strap-on at the entrance of the vagina, or anus, adding enough pressure to keep firm contact but not enough to push in. Start to make very small rotations of the hips to massage and stimulate the entrance. When we take our time at the entrance, letting the vagina or anus take time to suck on the penis, we shift how we experience penetration into something bi-directional.
We always recommend the sipping practice when bringing anything into the vagina, whether a finger, penis, toy, strap-on, tampon, or menstrual cup. It is based on the principle that the vagina or anus is like a mouth, and therefore we should not push things in unless it is actively engaged to receive. Place a finger at the entrance of the vagina, then yawn by opening your mouth wide, and notice how it opens the vagina at the same time and starts inviting your finger in naturally.
Choosing positions that let the receiver lead
Sex is not all about penetration, and positions matter less than the principle behind them. If it is your first time, keep things simple. Missionary is a good place to start, but only if you spend enough time kissing, touching, dry humping, and massaging to get into a place of deep arousal and relaxation.
Givers, do not push into the other person. Hold back, and always leave some space between them and your body. Receivers, stay active by moving your hips back and forwards and in circles. Use their body to explore your pleasure. In a position like prone bone, the person on top stays relatively still so the person below can lead the motion, speed, and angle. Get into a slow dance where your bodies stay connected by slowly moving together.