Sex is not supposed to hurt. Yet as many as 75% of those with vulvas will experience pain during sex at some point. Pain during sex is common, and it is not something to accept.
Do not accept pain
There is an idea that a bit of pain is okay. It is not okay. For the body, pain means I am shutting down. I am not offering pleasure, because the way I am being touched is not conducive to me opening up. It is making me go towards less, not more. The cellular system shuts down, the heart shuts down. We lose the safety in the body.
Pain is information
Bodywork expert Thomas Myers explains: "Pain is sensation accompanied by the motor intention to withdraw. If you are not trying to get away from it, it isn't pain, it's just sensation." Our immediate reaction is to stop, to retreat, to switch positions or take a break. There is another way to work with pain, through breath and touch.
"Do not ever accept pain."
Timing and penetration
Pain is often related to penetration. Do not penetrate anyone until they beg for it, and they ask you, and you ask them again, and then they ask you again. Only at that point is the person really ready. Very often someone gets wet or starts expressing pleasure and we think it is time to go there. Very often it is not.
Tightness blocks sensation
Pleasurable sex does not come from a tight vagina or a hard penis. Too much tightness blocks the very sensation we want, and for some it can cause pain. What we are looking for is engorgement, the suction that comes from the vagina's erectile tissues. Orgasms happen when the body can fully relax. Train the pelvic floor so it can squeeze, and also fully release.
Try this
As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.
Resensitisation: point by point
Set aside 15 to 20 minutes. Find privacy and no interruptions.
Begin to explore with one finger, slowly, without any goal. Notice where sensation is present, and where it is faint, absent, or painful.
When you find a point of discomfort or pain, lightly place a finger there and make solid contact. Stay. Take a deep inhale into the belly. Exhale with an open "Aaaah" sound. Bring your awareness to the point where your finger meets the body, and to the vibration created there.
It may feel uncomfortable at first, like stinging or needles. After a few breaths, the pain should begin to release. Move your finger slightly to the next point and repeat. It is a point-by-point practice, not a sweep.
Let your body express whatever it releases. Sometimes specific memories come up. Other times there is no story, just sensation or emotion. Continue and let them pass.
Science check
In a multicenter randomised trial of women with provoked vestibulodynia, twelve weeks of pelvic floor physiotherapy was more effective than topical lidocaine in reducing pain during intercourse, with results maintained at six-month follow-up.
Pelvic floor and sexual pain , Morin, M., Dumoulin, C., Bergeron, S. et al. (2021). Multimodal physical therapy versus topical lidocaine for provoked vestibulodynia: a multicenter, randomized trial. American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology, 224(2).