Learning to feel the difference between a yes and a no in your own body, before any words are spoken, is the foundation for good intimacy. At Kama, we learn Embodied Consent, which is a non-verbal language that attunes to the body for clues.
Embodied consent
Embodied consent is not a verbal agreement. It is an internal compass. A 'yes' often shows up as an opening, a warmth, a forward movement. Some people feel it in the chest, some in the belly. A 'no' often shows up as a closing, a tightening, a drawing back. This is your body's signal. The first practice of consent, is the agreement with your own body. We call it 'asking the body for permission'.
Building sexual tension
When we go too fast, to deep, too soon, we can easily override the body. While we might want something in our head, the body takes time to regulate, relax, open. If we are not aware that we need time, or do not communicate our needs, we might freeze or dissociate. Penetration before the body is fully aroused and ready, often leads to tension, pain, numbness or disconnection. Slowing down before making skin to skin contact, maintaining eye contact, being aware of our breath, connecting to our sensuality, are ways that we can intentionally build sexual tension, arousal, and readiness for penetration.
Boundaries have to be expressed, and respected
Boundaries are a language for your own body, before it can be effective with partners. As children, we do not learn about our yes or no, we are often picked up, touched, kissed, without our consent. As adults, this makes it more difficult for us to ask for what we want and need.
A 'yes' cannot be heard, until a 'no' has been expressed
Being bounded means being anchored in yourself, able to express your needs and desires. People who are bounded attract those who respect boundaries. Those who struggle to affirm their boundaries are more likely to attract those who will cross them. Boundaries are not just about what is off-limits. They are also about creating edges to play with, a line to tease, an opportunity to seduce. Being bounded sets you free.
Try this
As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.
Body yes, body no
Where ever you are, take a few breaths and let yourself arrive. Feel your feet on the ground, smell the air, taste your mouth.
Bring to mind someone you enjoy spending time with, who you feel comfortable touching and being touched by, someone who co-regulates your nervous system with their voice, and presence. Notice what happens in your body. There may be an adjustment in your heart rate variability, feeling a deeper relaxation, a warmth in your chest, Take a moment to find where your yes lives.
Now bring to mind someone that is a clear no. Someone who triggers caution, or tension. Notice what happens in the body, a closing, a tightening, a drawing back. This is your body's signal to slow down, and speak up for your no.
During an intimate or sexual experience, use this practice to connect, and feel before acting.
Is my 'yes' in my head, or also in my body? Am I respecting my 'no'?
Is it a 'maybe', speak up, ask a pause, or to slow down
Use this practice before intimacy, alone or with a partner. The body has a great capacity to communicate, if we don't override it with our mind.