For the longest time, anal pleasure has been considered taboo, something forbidden and dirty. The anus is one of the most pleasurable places on the body, and it comes with a lot of care and consideration.
Breathing into held tension
The anus holds more tension than almost any other part of the body. This is not just physical, it is the tension of everything we have been taught about this area: that it is dirty, shameful, off-limits, that it defines something about us. Breathing into that tension is an opportunity to gradually let it go.
As you breathe, imagine you are breathing in through the base of your body, through the perineum, through the anus. With each inhale you are drawing in something welcome. You can use the words warmth, acceptance, care. There is no force here, no pushing, no clenching. Just breath, movement, and a slow, patient invitation for this part of the body to soften. The body holds what we carry. Breathing into the places we have avoided is one of the most direct paths back to sensation.
Why it can feel so good
The anus contains a dense network of sensory nerves that participate with the genitals in engorgement, muscular tension, contractions of sexual arousal, and orgasms. The perineum, located between the genitals and the anus, is one of the most pleasurable areas of the whole body, and because of its proximity to the anus it is rarely considered during sex or self-pleasure.
For people with penises, the prostate, often referred to as the male G-spot, is just as pleasurable and can lead to intense orgasms when attended to right. To explore it, curve your finger slightly as it goes in, follow the front wall of the anus slowly, and explore until you feel something bulbous with a different texture. If this is your first time, the focus is to explore your pleasure rather than to focus on orgasms.
No pain, not even a little
Anal sex should not be painful, not even a little bit. If you feel pain, it is your body telling you to slow down or stop. Do not tolerate any pain at all. If we go slow enough and stay connected, we can avoid it completely. High levels of relaxation and arousal are what make anal pleasurable.
The main reasons you might feel pain or discomfort: the person being penetrated is completely passive, or not fully relaxed and tensing, or not turned on enough; there is not enough lube; the person penetrating is not present enough, or is going too fast. Relax as much as you can. If you know in advance, take a long warm bath, go to the loo a few hours before, avoid eating much, and stay hydrated. And there is no shame in mess. Sex is messy sometimes, and that is okay.
The In & Out technique
This technique helps relax the two consecutive sphincters that keep the rectum closed. Massage the ring of the anus with the pad of your thumb and lots of lube until you see it starting to open for more. Take a lot of lube. Put the pad of your finger over the anus and push it inside slowly, only the first knuckle to start with, going in from the side rather than straight on. Take your finger out slowly and ask the receiver to push their pelvic floor. Repeat this process, adding more lube, going a little deeper each time. If there is pain, go back to the beginning.
Do it for you first
Make sure you are doing this for you, not only for a partner. Explore your bum on your own first and get familiar with the sensations. Are you able to relax? Does it feel good? Do you want more? Start by pleasuring your bum cheeks, then take time at the opening. Breathe deeply and feel your anus moving with your breath: inhale and push open, exhale and relax.
If a partner is asking for something you are not sure you want, it is worth pausing on whether it is also good for you. Anal sex is extremely demanding, and it is not the only way to experience penetration. Do not do something unless it is what is good for you too. Rimming, pleasuring your partner's anus with your mouth or tongue, is another way to explore, and there are many blocks we carry around anal pleasure that ease with relaxation, presence, and time.