Mismatched arousal is used to describe a common experience in relationships, where one person is more available for sex than the other. In long-term relationships, and especially after having children, the intimacy, touch, sexuality might need adjustments. For as many shifts that happen in our lives, there are changes in our desires.

Talk about sex

It starts with an open conversation about our sex lives, even if that feels exposing, or awkward. It is through having more safe and open conversations that we can learn from each other. When it is easy to share about sex, and be honest about how we feel, it creates a lot of space for love, depth, and exploration.

If there is mismatched arousal in a relationship, and one person seems less available for sex than the other, it is the sign that something needs to shift in the intimacy, the way you relate and connect. It might feel like something is broken because what has historically worked is no longer working. This might be experienced as loss of desire, or rejection, depending where you are coming from. When the intimacy and sex feel good, we are more likely to want more of it. While penetration can be very pleasurable, when it happens too soon, or it moves too fast, or too deep, it might create tension, pain, numbness or boredom. If most of the sex you have is penetrative, explore intimacy and pleasure that is about the whole body, that is in the moment, without agenda, outside of penetration.

"Being inquisitive about your sexuality, understanding your desires, and what helps you surrender, plays a part in knowing and loving yourself. Cultivating curiosity and non-judgement when connecting with others intimately allow more open-hearted experiences."

Penetration is bi-directional

Penetration is the majority of what we do when we have sex, yet statistically, it is not the sex that delivers the most pleasure for those being penetrated. Why not invite the receiver to be more active, and expressive with their desire, and how they want to be penetrated.

Bring yourself close and leave space between your bodies. Do not push into the other person. Wait for them to respond, and let their body come towards you.

When they ask for penetration, tell them not yet. Tease them to build more desire, help them relax, support each other's regulation, and opening of the heart. Treat your sex with respect and consideration by valuing and elevating the times when you offer it. Create rules and rewards as a way to play with polarity.

Try this

As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.

A non-sexual couple intimacy ritual

I invite you and your partner to set aside 20 minutes with one explicit agreement: no sex, nothing more than what arises in the moment.

One person lies down on their back and closes their eyes. The other takes a moment to settle, feel your own breath, soften your hands, arrive. The focus is on sensations, and keeping your partner in their body, using stimulation, pleasure, connection. Explore pleasure without going towards sex. Ask for feedback on your touch, get to know each other's body like a map.

After 10 minutes, swap. Let any conversation that follows be about what you noticed in your own body, not about what comes next.