Four in five people experience mismatched arousal in their relationship. The partner who wants sex is the one initiating; the other is not quite there. It is one of the most common concerns from long-term couples. When this happens, it is often not the sex that needs to be resolved. It is the intimacy.
Take responsibility for your own arousal
One of the things we are never told is that arousal is something we can self-generate, through practice.
For the sexual connection to stay alive, each person needs to be responsible for their own arousal, and pleasure through their solo practice. A daily ritual of connecting to sexual energy by bringing awareness to the lower belly. Take a few minutes to breathe slowly into the pelvic floor, inhale and gently push, exhale and gently squeeze.
Non-sexual intimacy
Non-sexual intimacy means time together focused on touch, relaxation, arousal and pleasure, with no one trying to get anywhere. The starting point is to remove all expectation for sex, while communicating to your partner that you are turned on by them. "You are turning me on, it feels good. But I am not expecting sex tonight." By remaining attentive to your partner and helping them relax, you create the environment for connection to happen naturally, with the space that is much more likely to engage their arousal system.
"Remove all expectation for sex, while communicating to your partner that you are turned on by them."
Rebuild the conditions arousal needs
Stay attentive and connected. Offer a massage or a cuddle, simply to help your partner relax. "How are you feeling? Is there something I can do to help you relax?" Offer a conversation about how they feel and what they might want. Emotional blocks are one of the main barriers to arousal, and understanding your partner's mental state is key.
Use touch and kiss with intention. Slow down your breathing. Use eye contact, and connect to the present moment. Touch is a form of non-verbal communication. Doing intimate acts when you truly feel like doing them, rather than feeling like you should, is what makes touch carry meaning.
Anticipation and foreplay activate the motivation and learning centres of the brain. Dopamine levels in the anticipation phase can be higher than in any other phase of the sexual response cycle. The build-up can be the best part.
Reignite seduction
Seduction is the art of creating attraction and sexual tension, through polarity. Once the expectations have been removed, and boundaries are set, the edges have been created to play with. Use dirty talking and light naughtiness to awaken arousal, come up with ideas and craft the experience for your partner. "I want to take you on a date. Let's pretend we are meeting for the first time."
Try this
Couple sensual bodywork
Propose an evening with one agreement: pleasure. The focus is touch, relaxation, arousal, explore your partner's body with curiosity and dedication.
One person lies down. The other gives a slow, attentive massage for ten minutes, creating a sensorial experience, caressing, playing, kissing.
Ask for feedback along the way to make sure you are learning about what they like, or not. Get them to ask for what they want.
Then swap.
Science check
Across a series of studies on partner responsiveness, feeling seen, valued and cared for by a partner predicted higher sexual desire over time, with the effect more pronounced in women. Responsiveness signalled that the partner was a valuable mate and that the relationship was safe.
Partner responsiveness and desire , Birnbaum, G.E., Reis, H.T., Mizrahi, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Sass, O., & Granovski-Milner, C. (2016). Intimately connected: The importance of partner responsiveness for experiencing sexual desire. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(4), 530–546.