The way we relate to our sexual experiences is based on the quality of the intimacy. Intimacy is what happens before penetration.
What is in the way of more intimacy?
I often define the relationship as the space between us. The quality of the intimacy is related to the quality of the space we create.
Ritualising moments for open communication, where the space is intentionally set for sharing how you feel, without blame, or judgement.
Keeping the conversations about the relationships to dedicated moments, can help deepening intimacy in every moment.
Be intentional with the ordinary moments
When you come home and kiss your partner on the head without pausing, you have normalised that moment rather than brought more into it. The ordinary moments are where intimacy is built or lost.
Very often the space for intimacy that is not sexual is skipped or rushed. We want to touch, so we take rather than give. We take that touch before the other person is ready to receive it. Intimacy happens when there is enough space for the energy to surrender in the moment, without plan or direction.
"The relationship is the space between us. The more intentional we are with how we engage in the space, the deeper the intimacy."
Touch that has no destination
One of the most important practices I give to couples is a non-sexual intimacy ritual. Ten minutes each, one person receiving, the other giving. A back massage, a foot massage, whatever feels good. The point is that it is one-directional. There is no expectation of response. The receiver's job is simply to receive. The giver offers touch without an agenda.
Receiving is hard. It requires being still, not doing, and being able to feel. When the body learns that touch can arrive without something being expected in return, something relaxes.
Touch that has an agenda can simply kill arousal. As soon as touch begins moving toward something, the receiver can sense it. If they are not there yet, it is felt as expectation, which is a turn off.
Try this
As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.
A no-agenda evening
Choose one evening where nothing is expected. No escalation, no plan.
Start with five minutes each to share what is present for you. One person speaks, the other listens without responding, without fixing. When the first is done, the second says: I hear you. Then swap.
After, one person lies down. The other gives ten minutes of slow, attentive touch. A massage, whatever feels good. No goal, no destination. When the time is done, swap.
Let what comes after be unplanned. This is yours to return to.