What is in the way of more intimacy?

I often define the relationship as the space between us. The quality of the intimacy is related to the quality of the space we create. When we are familiar with our partner, our boundaries around intimacy intend to disappear. 

Ritualising moments for open communication, play, and seduction build anticipation for desire and connection. 

Be intentional with the ordinary moments

When you come home and kiss your partner on the head without pausing, you have normalised that moment rather than brought more into it. The ordinary moments are where intimacy is built or lost.

Very often the space for intimacy that is not sexual is skipped or rushed. We want to touch, so we take rather than give. We take that touch before the other person is ready to receive it. Intimacy deepens when we bring more intention and presence to mundane actions, and by creating enough space the body to awaken and respond. 

"The relationship is the space between us. The more intentional we are with how we engage in the space, the deeper the intimacy."

Touch that has no destination

One of the most important practices I give to couples is a non-sexual intimacy ritual. Ten minutes each, one person receiving, the other giving. A back massage, a foot massage, sensual, playful, whatever feels good, and it's one-directional. The receiver's job is simply to receive. The giver offers touch without an agenda.

Receiving is hard. It requires being still, not doing, and being able to feel. When the body learns that touch can arrive without something being expected in return, we can relax more deeply. 

Touch that has an agenda can simply kill arousal. As soon as touch is guided by an outcome, the receiver can sense it. 

Try this

As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.

A no-agenda evening

Choose one evening where nothing is expected. No escalation, no plan.

Start by sharing how you would like to feel, the type of touch and sensations that would give you pleasure, and relaxation. 

Take turn and give ten minutes of slow, attentive touch once at the time. Connect to your hands, explore the body with curiosity. Ask for feedback. 

The aim is to keep your partner in their body, engaged with your touch, wanting more.