Being witnessed
You masturbate next to each other, or looking at each other, without touching each other. That is the whole practice. You are not performing and you are not being serviced. You are being witnessed in your own pleasure.
It can be very gentle. It does not need to build to anything. It does not matter whether you are hard, whether you come, whether it looks like anything. It is the witnessing of each other touching our own body.
Why it releases shame
Shame lives in being unseen. Most of us learned to touch ourselves privately, quickly, in the dark, and the body encoded that as the condition for pleasure. Doing it in front of someone who is glad to see it gives the body a different message, and the armour held in the genitals begins to soften.
It also returns your arousal to you. In a relationship, your pleasure is your responsibility. Touching yourself in your partner's presence is how that becomes something shared, rather than something asked of them.
Go in steps
It is exposing. When people hear the practice, they often feel very far from what they would actually do. So there are steps towards it, and you decide how many you need.
You can start under the duvet, both of you, touching yourselves in the dark. You are clearly turned on, and they can feel it. That is phase one. Then the light stays low and you take a little more space, sitting apart. Then side by side on the bed, which is often the easiest, because you see the hands moving and you are not looking at each other's face. Then facing each other, when you are ready for that.
Try this
Staying with yourself
Sit in front of your partner. Close your eyes. Take some deep breaths. Open your eyes gently when it feels natural. Watch them, and watch them watching you, then close your eyes again whenever you need to come back to yourself.
With your eyes closed, begin to turn yourself on. Over the breasts, the butt, grazing the genitals, whatever brings arousal. Stay connected to your own body.
Then experiment with keeping your eyes open while you pleasure yourself. If you lose contact with your pleasure, close your eyes and connect back again.
Breathe into your belly, and let the sound out on the exhale. Let them hear you.
Talk about it before you try it
One of you may be ready to go there and the other may not, and if that arrives unspoken it lands as rejection rather than invitation. So it gets discussed first. How transparent can you be that this feels difficult, and how creatively can you find a way in together.
Then you set the room. Dim the lights, and keep enough light to enjoy the sight of one another. Music you both like, quiet enough that you can hear each other breathe. Take your time.
