Most of us have experienced sex from the outside, watching ourselves. This is called spectatoring. The way back into the body comes through the senses, the pelvic floor, the breath, and the contact between two bodies.

Sensualise

Sensualising is engaging all your senses at once. Most of us experience the world one sense at a time, and rarely consciously engage many during sex. Notice the temperature of hands, the smell of skin, the sound of breath. When the senses come into the experience together, sensation spreads through the body, and we stop being stuck only in the genitals.

The pelvic floor

When you notice you are holding your breath during intimacy, bring your awareness back to the body. Breathe slowly and deeply, and activate the pelvic floor by squeezing and pushing the muscle you use to stop and increase your urinary stream. This brings the mind back into the body and builds arousal in the genitals and lower belly.

Synchronised breath

When you slow down and use synchronised breathing, micro-movements start to create macro-sensations. Synchronising your breath with your partner's takes you into deeper levels of intimacy.

Three points of contact

Most sex relies on one point of contact, between the genitals. Three points bring the whole body in: the chest for emotional intimacy, the belly for body trust, the hips for erotic charge. Connect the movement to your breath, and to your partner's breath.

Try this

As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.

Bring your mind into your body

Engage all your senses. Notice the temperature of hands, the smell of skin, the sound of breath.

Activate the pelvic floor. Squeeze and push with each breath.

Synchronise your breath with your partner's.

Keep three points of contact: chest, belly, hips.

Science check

In a study, women who completed twelve weeks of mindfulness meditation training showed faster registration of physiological arousal in response to sexual stimuli, alongside reductions in self-judgement.

Mindfulness and sexual response , Silverstein, R.G., Brown, A.C., Roth, H.D., & Britton, W.B. (2011). Effects of Mindfulness Training on Body Awareness to Sexual Stimuli: Implications for Female Sexual Dysfunction. Psychosomatic Medicine, 73(9), 817–825.