Your self-pleasure practice is your training ground for the sex you want to have. While we are not often invited to explore our body, our desires, and sexuality that expands our pleasure, it remains our responsibility to discover more about what we want, and need.
What solo practice is for
When we repeat the same routine, in a hurry, the way we know how, as a quick release, we create patterns that will surface during intimacy with partners. Self pleasure can be more than a means to an end, it is a way to discover more about our desires, what feels good, and how to surf the edge of climax.
When we are with a partner, we might find it more challenging to stay out of our head, making our orgasms less accessible. The use of vibrators can have an impact on the sex we have with partners. Feeling invited to use a vibrator during sex can feel edgy for some, while it might be the only way others get to enjoy sex fully. Staying clear of penetrative sex until the body is very relaxed, and open can also help with allowing more pleasure, and orgasmic freedom.
If we lack confidence about our pleasure, it might show as performance when we are with a partner. When we are stuck in our head, it is harder to be in the moment. By expanding our capacity and tolerance for pleasure during solo practice, we sensitise the body towards more presence during intimacy.
Questions to explore
- Do you feel safe enough with your partner to fully let go?
- Do you find yourself focused on reaching orgasm rather than letting go?
- Have you ever faked an orgasm with this partner?
- Do you feel shame or discomfort during penetration?
- Are you able to use your voice during sex, to express what feels good?
- Does penetration happen before your body feels fully ready and open?
- Do you breathe deeply during sex, or do you hold your breath?
- Do you rely on a vibrator to orgasm?
- Do you watch porn while you masturbate?
Try this
As many of these practices require privacy, which might not be immediately available, I invite you to simply imagine the practice. Visualise, sensualise, how you would do this practice, and what it would feel like.
The Kama Push
One of the most direct ways to change your experience during sex is to change how you use your pelvic floor. Most pelvic floor practice focuses only on squeezing. The Kama Push works in the other direction.
This practice can be done anywhere and at any time. The idea is to play with it during the day, so it comes online more easily during self-pleasure and sex.
Locate your pelvic floor by finding the muscles you use to stop your urinary stream. Now find the muscles you use to increase it, and give them a gentle push. Inhale and push the pelvic floor out, expanding the belly. Exhale and release. When you push, sensations spread outwards. When you squeeze, sensations localise to the genitals.
Create micro hip movement with your pelvic floor during self-pleasure, and sex. Stay in connection with what is happening inside your body. Instead of squeezing into your pleasure and holding your breath, relax, try to push gently, and open your mouth on the exhale. When you feel the pleasure rise, use your breath to guide it, and let the pleasure expand outward through the body.